Tom Kelliher, CS 220
Nov. 12, 1997
Assembler programs are written with short abbreviations called MNEMONICS, in other words instead of writing GOTO, the programmer writes JMP or even BRA (branch). These instructions are frequently abbreviated into total incomprehensibility.
Of course, we all know that abbreviations are arbitrary. Anyone who has spent any time programming in assembler knows that all computers can be programmed using an undocumented set of instructions. Frequently when an error is made writing a program in assembler a user can actually see the program executing the undocumented instructions.
These instructions vary from machine from machine, but all computers have a certain set of them in common. As a service to humanity, I am here revealing these common instructions for the first time.
ARG : Agree to Run Garbage BDM : Branch and Destroy Memory CMN : Convert to Mayan Numerals DDS : Damage Disk and Stop EMR : Emit Microwave Radiation ETO : Emulate Toaster Oven FSE : Fake Serious Error GSI : Garble Subsequent Instructions GQS : Go Quarter Speed HEM : Hide Evidence of Malfunction IDD : Inhale Dust and Die IKI : Ignore Keyboard Input IMU : Irradiate and Mutate User JPF : Jam Paper Feed JUM : Jeer at Users Mistake KFP : Kindle Fire in Printer LNM : Launch Nuclear Missiles MAW : Make Aggravating Whine NNI : Neglect Next Instruction OBU : Overheat and Burn if Unattended PNG : Pass Noxious Gas QWF : Quit Working Forever QVC : Question Valid Command RWD : Read Wrong Device SCE : Simulate Correct Execution SDJ : Send Data to Japan TTC : Tangle Tape and Crash UBC : Use Bad Chip VDP : Violate Design Parameters VMB : Verify and Make Bad WAF : Warn After Fact XID : eXchange Instruction with Data YII : Yield to Irresistible Impulse ZAM : Zero All Memory PI : Punch Invalid POPI : Punch Operator Immediately RASC : Read And Shred Card RPM : Read Programmers Mind RSSC : Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) RTAB : Rewind Tape and Break RWDSK : ReWind DiSK SPSW : Scramble Program Status Word SRSD : Seek Record and Scar Disk WBT : Water Binary Tree(Courtesy of the USENET newsgroup rec.humor.funny.)